I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
