now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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