Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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