i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
