I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
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In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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