thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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