just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
