Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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