the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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