____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
