I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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