I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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