I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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