i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
