i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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