How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
