are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
