i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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