Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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