I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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