why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
