when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
