You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
