Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
