i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
