Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
