yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
