piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
