Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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