I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
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There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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