I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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