I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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