Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
