I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
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Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
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The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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