My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
