If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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