hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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