It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Randomize
