y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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