Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is wine microwaveable?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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