I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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