i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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