Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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