I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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