she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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