It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
