WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
