lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You are a genius and a whore.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
