do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.