I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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