if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
