She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im holly from the hills drunk
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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