I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
