my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
