you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
