Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
