my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
